Notes on Weekend Notes
So, I have been meaning to add the promised further thoughts on my last post. It's funny how these unwritten blog posts stay with you.
Anyway, here it is. That day I spent with my brother, over a week ago, came in the midst of a sort of meltdown I sometimes go through when it's the beginning of the summer and I start longing for things I don't have: air conditioning, to begin with (a long story, but my apartment is unairconditionable), a boyfriend, a beach house, a car, some way to escape the city on weekends, to get to the ocean, not just the crowded city beaches but some place cleaner, calmer, more beautiful. The discontent becomes almost feverish, rageful, as I castigate myself (and the universe) because I don't have this other life that I think I should have.
Then I spent that day with my brother, and I thought, no, it's okay, what I have is enough, it's more than enough. To enjoy a day outside with him, see how much he is enjoying it, that's enough. And not just when I'm with him but at other moments, too, when I calm down and stop thinking about what I don't have I can see how much more than sufficient what I do have is.
I suppose all of this was implicit in that last post, but I wanted to spell it out. I have had some ups and downs in the last few days, but I have been trying to hold onto that sense of gratitude, and also to be in the present as much as possible. I think, often, of something one of my yoga teachers said recently--she was telling us to be aware of our breath (well, of course, it was yoga!) and then she told us to focus on the particular breath that was happening right at that moment, the air coming in and going out. She said, "It's only going to happen once." And somehow that seemed very profound to me, and a good thing to remember.
Anyway, here it is. That day I spent with my brother, over a week ago, came in the midst of a sort of meltdown I sometimes go through when it's the beginning of the summer and I start longing for things I don't have: air conditioning, to begin with (a long story, but my apartment is unairconditionable), a boyfriend, a beach house, a car, some way to escape the city on weekends, to get to the ocean, not just the crowded city beaches but some place cleaner, calmer, more beautiful. The discontent becomes almost feverish, rageful, as I castigate myself (and the universe) because I don't have this other life that I think I should have.
Then I spent that day with my brother, and I thought, no, it's okay, what I have is enough, it's more than enough. To enjoy a day outside with him, see how much he is enjoying it, that's enough. And not just when I'm with him but at other moments, too, when I calm down and stop thinking about what I don't have I can see how much more than sufficient what I do have is.
I suppose all of this was implicit in that last post, but I wanted to spell it out. I have had some ups and downs in the last few days, but I have been trying to hold onto that sense of gratitude, and also to be in the present as much as possible. I think, often, of something one of my yoga teachers said recently--she was telling us to be aware of our breath (well, of course, it was yoga!) and then she told us to focus on the particular breath that was happening right at that moment, the air coming in and going out. She said, "It's only going to happen once." And somehow that seemed very profound to me, and a good thing to remember.
posted by Sarah Sometimes at 11:09 PM
1 Comments:
I'm glad that you found things to be happy about, just not being in the same situation as your brother is probably a good reason to be happy (and sad too, for him).
I imagine that it must be tough to spend the summer in the city and without air conditioning. It kind of "surprises" me every year how summers here are incredibly hot -- it's not like that in Brazil (at least not in the South). I don't much enjoy the bitter contrast between way too cold and way too hot that one encounters here in this region of the U.S.
Post a Comment
<< Home